Toy Store

Hearing about the controversy about the Breaking Bad toys made me think about all the times a fuss was raised over a toy, like with a Monster High doll encouraging girls to wax or Power Rangers causing playground violence. It made me think about the other toys and merchandise that get away with being a potential bad influence on kids. Breaking Bad toys may not have been the best idea, but they’re not the only problematic thing on the shelves.

Toy Store

On the shelves
There are dolls
Who make girls
Want to wax or diet
Or have babies out of wedlock,
Toy soldiers
Glorifying war
And gun violence,
Japanese action figures
Who encourage playground fights,
And a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist—
Okay, only one out of four
Is objectionable
But he also used to be an alcoholic,
And we’ve got boys dressing up as him
For Halloween.
We’ve got girls wearing shirts
With the face of an abusive stalker vampire
Wishing he was their boyfriend.
We’ve got kids reading about kids
Who kill each other
And commit acts of terrorism.
It’s not like kids don’t know
What crystal meth is,
Just as they know what
A vibrating broom can offer;
And for those who don’t,
We can say it’s an educational toy.

Today’s Tomorrow

I am scared shitless of falling asleep, mostly because the sooner I fall asleep, the sooner tomorrow happens, and on every today, I question whether or not I want a tomorrow.

I’m also afraid of not waking up, but what’s scarier than the thought of not waking up is the thought that not waking up really wouldn’t be that bad.  Think about it.  No work, no rent, no traffic no bills no nothing.  Just enveloping, cool blackness, and an utter absence of feeling.

I am scared shitless of falling asleep, because when I’m asleep I’m safe from the realities of the world (for the most part), but the realities of my mind?  That’s different.  When I’m asleep, my dreaming mind points out every one of my flaws and failures, and paints them in neon paint on a huge fucking billboard over a huge fucking highway for everyone to see and laugh their huge fucking asses off on their way to wherever:

You’re too slow.

You’re too erratic.

You’re too emotional.

You’re too boring.

You’re too cliche.

You’re not good enough.

You’re not good enough.

You’re not good enough.

And when you wake up from all of this, your heart’s still trying to claw its way out of your chest, and your pillow is soaked in sweat and your eyes hurt like fucking christ and the numbers on your clock don’t make sense and you hear your alarm buzz buzz buzzing to the tune of YOU’RE A FAILURE, YOU’RE A FAILURE, YOU’RE A FAILURE and shit, man.  No wonder the thought of not waking up is so appealing if that’s what waking up is like.

But somehow, through some monumental feat of strength you turn off the alarm.  You grope around in the darkness and turn on the lights.  Suddenly, the numbers you couldn’t make sense of before spell out a time, and as you stumble to the bathroom your heart slows down and things start to make a tiny bit of sense.

Your momentum snowballs as you complete near impossible tasks like putting on a shirt and tying your shoes.  Soon, you’re in your car on your way to work, and though you know it’s going to be hard, for the first time that day, you feel like you maybe just maybe might be able to maybe survive, and that thought right there is what’s going to get you through the day.

I’m scared shitless of falling asleep, mostly because the sooner I fall asleep, the sooner tomorrow happens, and on every today, I question whether or not I want a tomorrow.

BUT, I made it through today, so maybe today’s tomorrow won’t be so bad.

Week 7 Recap

A Note About the Author

For those of you that haven’t heard, I was (more or less) laid off last week. Not even two hours after submitting last week’s recap in fact. I was technically furloughed, which basically means “we don’t want to let you go, but we also don’t have any money to pay you with”. If things turn around then it’s just a bit of unpaid vacation, but I’m certainly not banking on it. So after six years I’m back on the job hunt. As of now I’m planning on continuing to write these, but obviously things are a bit in flux right now so I can’t make any guarantees about the future of this little (ok not that little) column. In the interest of me getting my life back on track the word count on these will probably drop a bit though.

Peyton Manning broke the record for most career touchdown passes Sunday night. Obviously I’m happy for him, though a little embarrassed that I benched him. After the record breaking touchdown the Denver receiving corps played a quick game of keep away with the ball, antagonizing their history-obsessed QB to no end as he couldn’t get the ball to store it away for safekeeping. It looked like an adorable moment as a bunch of guys playfully teased their notoriously dorky (and dorky looking) QB. BUT IT WAS ALL A LIE. It already takes a special kind of control freak to ask your teammates to stage the whole thing, but only a psychopath on the level of Peyton Manning would have them PRACTICE IT BEFOREHAND.

***MATCHUP OF THE WEEK***

T TARD (3-4) over The Bortle Squad (3-4)

Visual Approximation:

GOLD…en Tate was really good this week. Sorry, that’s all I’ve got.

Clayton wins our only decent matchup this week. Everything else was low scoring, a blowout, or a low scoring blowout. “Erratic” is the best way I can describe his week in one word. Golden Tate finally looked like a capable replacement for Calvin Johnson with ten catches for 154 and a TD. Andre Ellington didn’t score, but he made up for that with 160 total yards giving him an even 22 fantasy points. Pierre Garcon, Kendall Wright, and Lamar Miller were all in that “good not great” 15-20 range. Joe Flacco was by no means bad, but he wasn’t nearly as ELITE as he was last week, not that he needed to be in that shellacking of Atlanta. Terrence Williams did a lot with his one catch, but it could only get him 8.8 points. Then there’s poor injured Jimmy Graham. At first I was going to make fun of Clayton for starting an injured player (don’t worry I get to do that to Matt later), but Graham did actually play. He got all of two targets and zero catches. Basically he was just out there to draw some defensive attention. Add all that up and Clayton maintains his somewhat confusing position of top scorer of the year but still two games out of a playoff spot.

Chang put up a good fight, but he couldn’t quite overcome a few bad performances. Matt Forte couldn’t make it to 30 again in a week where Chang really needed him to. 28.9 is still spectacular of course. Randall Cobb has his best yardage day all year and his second best fantasy day with 24.3. Mike Wallace continues to be maddeningly consistent. Every game this year he’s been between 12.5 and 19.1. Delanie Walker was bad again, but he hasn’t broken into the double digits since week four so it’s not a huge surprise. Chang’s biggest problem was Branden Oliver falling back to earth after two weeks in the stratosphere. 9.8 points isn’t the end of the world or anything, but after two weeks of looking like a budding superstar and breaking the 20-point barrier this setback cost Chang a close one. With Ryan Mathews expected back soon it’ll be interesting to see how Oliver’s workload changes.

Depressing sidenote: Perhaps sharing my irrational fear of the 49ers defense (or hoping his favorite team wouldn’t get clobbered) Chang benched Ronnie Hillman. Unlike me he couldn’t get away with it, Hillman had his best game of the year by far and would’ve given Chang the win if he started him in any of the obvious places.

 

Kickers Are People Too (5-2) over I’m Retarded? (2-5)

Visual Approximation:

Derek’s win streak is now up to five, so I’m deeming him our league’s juggernaut. Now just imagine if Zac Stacy was allowed to touch the ball! Despite his 0, Derek led all scores this week with some ridiculous performances. If Demaryius Thomas can keep up his current production I’m not sure Derek can lose another game. In the last three weeks Thomas has AVERAGED just short of nine catches, 173 receiving yards, and almost two touchdowns, for just over 36 fantasy points. But the scoring doesn’t stop there. Aaron Rodgers did quite well in his first week on Derek’s team, putting up 24.3 points. That must sting for Stu. Ahmad Bradshaw and Dez Bryant broke into the twenties as well. Owen Daniels and DeAndre Hopkins put up good fantasy scores as well. If we exclude the mysterious disappearance of Zac Stacy, Mohamed Sanu was the only position player starting for Derek that had neither 100 yards nor a touchdown.

116.1 points with your first round pick on bye is far from embarrassing, but it wasn’t nearly enough to match up to Derek this week. For what feels like the first time all season, quarterback was NOT the problem for Ryan. Eli bounced back after an atrocious game last week to play well in a loss to Dallas. Antonio Brown was his usual productive self as well. The problem is that Ryan’s standout performance was sitting on his bench. Sammy Watkins had the best game of his young career, scoring twice and breaking the 100-yard barrier for a total of 33.2 fantasy points. Though to be fair even with a perfect lineup Ryan wouldn’t be able to catch Derek. Bishop Sankey struggling was hardly a surprise, but Giovani Bernard putting up the worst rushing totals of his career as a starter certainly was. Michael Floyd and Charles Clay both caught TD’s but didn’t have enough catches or yards to make a difference.

Depressing (for Stu) sidenote: As mentioned above, Aaron Rodgers scored 24.3 fantasy points in his first week on Derek’s roster. The two players he traded to get Rodgers (Reggie Wayne and Cam Newton for those curious) COMBINED for 19.8.

 

Bledsoe loves Brady’s balls (3-4) over Julius Thomas the Tank Engine (4-3)

Visual Approximation:

Boone didn’t exactly blow anyone’s minds with his 114.3, but it was plenty to overcome Stu’s worst week all year. For one week at least Boone believed in Tony Romo, who led all of his scorers this week. His next best score actually came from the Vikings defense, in a bit of a surprise. After an outstanding week 1, Minnesota’s D/ST had been a joke, never breaking double digits and going negative twice. But, it looks like a trip to Buffalo was just the thing they needed (fantasy-wise at least, Minnesota still lost the game). Four turnovers and six(!) sacks had them flirting with twenty fantasy points. Eddie Lacy at least broke 15, but this felt more like Stu losing rather than Boone winning. His score was in the exact middle of everyone this week.

Not breaking 80 requires a special kind of failure, let’s look at how Stu managed it this week! Touchdowns give lots of pesky points, so Stu made sure to not have any of them. Quarterbacks are often a source of lots of points but Philip Rivers chimed in with his worst game all year, barely breaking 200 yards while throwing a pick and only two QT’s. Your top scorer can’t amount to much, and Trent Richardson sure didn’t. He broke 100 yards but those were mostly rushing, with only four catches to take advantage of our PPR ruleset. Even scarier is that those four catches actually put him in a 5-way tie for team lead. His 16.8 is by no means bad, but it’s not what you want from your top score. Bad games from star players are a necessity, and Marshawn Lynch’s 9.1 along with Julius Thomas’ 6.7 definitely qualify. Another thing that helps? A big fat zero, which Stu supplied when he was too cowardly to start a defense. Benching Carolina’s D/ST was the right move, and they’ve now gone negative in four of five weeks, but the St. Louis special teams were the deciding factor in their win vs. Seattle, and Stu could’ve used their 8.5 points. It would’ve at least kept him from being this week’s low score.

Depressing sidenote: We can’t declare trade rape after one game right? Reggie Wayne immediately having his worst game of the year along with a middling performance from Cam Newton make it awful tempting though…

 

HALFTIME

No job means no commute, no commute means no scheduled reading time, so I didn’t really read any more Lovecraft after last week’s update, sorry Jen.

 

Silly MATT wins are for me (5-2) over Three Prom Queens (5-2)

Visual Approximation:

Like that title game, this was a very hyped matchup between good teams that ended up being an embarrassing blowout.

So Russell Wilson had 106 rushing yards and a TD. Connie’s three running backs had 106 rushing yards and a TD. None of them threw for 313 and 2 QT’s though. Wilson might not be as consistent as some of the best fantasy QB’s just yet, but he might have a higher ceiling than any of them. Connie’s other big games came from some more unlikely sources. Shane Vereen didn’t do much on the ground, but his 2 receiving TD’s more than made up for that fact. With Percy Harvin gone Doug Baldwin stepped up and more than doubled his best fantasy day of the season. Jordy had 18, which is pretty ho hum for the year he’s been having. Jeremy Hill and Justin Hunter were both terrible, but at least they weren’t placed on IR and then started anyways…

…Much like Matt did with Stevan Ridley. Le’Veon Bell did everything he could Monday night to make Matt’s score look respectable, but he could quite carry him to 100. The rest of the team was well…. shit. Allen Robinson and Emmanuel Sanders both had TD catches to hide their lack of production, no one else could even manage that much. Larry Donnell had a better game than either of them, but he fumbled twice to bring his score down. Alfred Morris and Andre Williams both had 18 carries but only combined for 105 yards rushing. Neither had a catch, further limiting their scores. Matt Ryan hasn’t broken 15 since week 4.

Depressing sidenote: This week in dumb Matt luck: Only Matt could lose by 45 yet lose no ground in his division thanks to them going 0-4.

 

Creepy Rob Lowe Watchin U Swim (5-2) over Started From The Bottom (3-4)

Visual Approximation:

Just in case you hadn’t seen it.

Nothing real exciting out of my team this week, just enough solid performances to give me a win in a very bad week for Mahoney. The most noteworthy thing I did was bench Manning and Welker because I was afraid of the 49ers defense and the potential pressure of that TD record ruining their offense Sunday night. That turned out to be foolish, but also inconsequential. Manning got his history, and Welker finally caught a TD pass. But that’s alright, Brady still torched the Jets like always and Torrey Smith actually caught a TD of his own and outscored Welker. DeMarco Murray actually had his worst fantasy day of the season but still broke 20, a testament to how amazing his year has been so far. His 28 carries is still distressingly high though. My tight ends continue to be workhorses, breaking a combined 30 points yet again. Andre Holmes and Ben Tate both disappointed, but their services really weren’t required this week.

Things just weren’t clicking for Mahoney. Matt Stafford was far from great but still led all of Mahoney’s scores with a paltry 16.1. Justin Forsett, Brandon Marshall, Julian Edelman, Steve Smith, and Martellus Bennett were all between 9.2 and 10.8. A few of those low-to-middling scores are survivable, but five of them are not. To make matters worse, Fred Jackson left his game early with a groin injury and could miss several weeks. Despite his team’s rare success, Cecil Shorts III was basically a non-factor in Jacksonville’s win. Mahoney needs Ryan Mathews and Calvin Johnson (and Fred Jackson for that matter) back ASAP.

Depressing sidenote: As poor as Mahoney’s score was, he was less than three points from being optimized, it just was not his week.

 

Sad Cowboy (2-5) over The Fighting Mongooses (2-5)

Visual Approximation:

Here’s Victoria as Kermit being welcomed to the 5 loss club.

Nick’s team was very much haves and have nots. Jamaal Charles, Arian Foster, Marques Colston, and Odell Beckham Jr. all eclipsed 17 points (though only Beckham made it over 20), while the remainder of the team couldn’t make it to 10. Especially bad were his pair of tight ends, Jason Witten and Jordan Cameron couldn’t even cobble together a combined seven points. Jay Cutler was so bad that his best WR’s locker room tirade became national news. And Nick actually WON.

Andrew Luck and Chris Ivory made up more than half of Victoria’s total, which is a problem with both barely broke 20 points. Anquan Boldin and Jarius Wright were her only other players in double digits, and they combined for just 22 points. Frank Gore disappearing is becoming a scarily common occurrence, but Alshon Jeffery didn’t even get to half of his previous season low. Then there’s Vernon Davis. In week one he had 20.4 points. In weeks 2-7 (none of which was a bye) he’s had 19.8 points combined. Scary stuff.

Depressing sidenote: After putting up a -.5, the Seahawks D/ST that Victoria took so ridiculously early is averaging less than six points a game, making them 23rd in average points scored among defenses.

 

Waiver Wire Stupidity

Last night was a doozy. We had eight acquisitions, highlighted by Clayton going all out and spending $54 combined on Tre Mason and Bryce Brown. My favorite part was Mahoney getting Denard Robinson for $16, beating out Matt F, who also bid $16, and Derek, who also also bid $16. The rare situation where overall standings actually worked as a tiebreaker!  Also, Ryan got human giraffe Mike Glennon for free, good for him.

 

The Playoff Picture

We’re now somehow halfway through the regular season! Thanks to an 0-4 week, the Chodes remained right where they were a week ago, with Matt holding a two game lead over Chang and a three game lead over Victoria and Ryan King. Thanks to a 4-0 week, the Chuckleheads also remained right where they were a week ago, with Connie holding a lead over me thanks to points, with Clayton and Boone two games back. A 2-2 week among the Austin Manchildren let Derek extend his lead over Stu and Mahoney, while Nick’s win helped keep him in contention. As of right now no one is more than three games out of a playoff spot. If the playoffs were to start right now I would be the wild card, with a one game lead over Stu.

 

A Look Ahead

Me vs. Victoria

My byes: Stevie Johnson

Victoria’s byes: Frank Gore, Anquan Boldin, Vernon Davis, Colin Kaepernick

Not that I’m in the business of helping out my competition, but as of Wednesday afternoon due to byes and injuries Victoria cannot field a full starting lineup, might want to look into that.

 

Ryan King vs. Boone

Ryan’s byes: Eli Manning

Boone’s byes: none

Both of these guys need a win real bad. Ryan is counting on his blatant homerism to carry him to victory via Mike Glennon.

 

Nick vs. Clayton

Nick’s byes: Odell Beckham Jr.

Clayton’s byes: 49ers D/ST

Clayton is still our top scoring team and Nick is still our unluckiest team in terms of points allowed. Will the trends hold?

 

Derek vs. Connie

Derek’s byes: Carlos Hyde, Rashad Jennings

Connie’s byes: None

Can Connie stop the juggernaut? Personally I’m just happy that one of them has to lose.

 

Chang vs. Mahoney

No byes!

They’re both a few good games from a playoff spot, can’t afford to drop another game.

 

Matt F vs. Stu

Matt’s byes: Andre Williams, Larry Donnell, Reuben Randle

Stu’s byes: Michael Crabtree

Two teams that have been on a downswing lately, how will Matt’s dumb luck work out for him this week?

Game of Patriarchy

As a feminist nerd, I’m a huge fan of Anita Sarkeesian’s work.  When I heard that she canceled a talk because of a school shooting threat and caught up on everything with regards to GamerGate, I had to take a stand.  I have family and friends who are gamers and have witnessed their casual sexism ever since I was a kid (why I could never get into video games).  Having experienced some of it myself from members of other male-dominated communities, I decided to write this poem to explore how that misogyny, which is often dismissed as joking or “boys will be boys”, can escalate into something much more frightening.  I also wanted to show that we (gamers and their friends and family) can stop this at many points.

Game of Patriarchy

Press “X” to begin.
Level 1: Home
Opponent: Little Sister
The monster
Unplugs your Nintendo.
You attack
With a shout,
“You bitch!”
Mom rushes to her defense.
Game over.

Next time,
You retreat instead to your room.
There you can safely
Call them both bitches.

Level 2: School
Opponent: Pretty Girl
She seemed innocent
So you approach.
She lashes with
“Video games are for
Loooosers!”
You fire back,
“You whore!”
Teacher appears,
Gives you detention.
Game over.

Next time,
You don’t trust the pretty ones.

Level 3: College
Opponent: Drunken Jerk
Your mission
Is to rescue the princess.
Armed with wit,
You face off with the ape.
He stomps away.
You expect a reward.
“Sorry, I’m not interested.”
Game over.

You repeat the level
Many times
With different girls.
They’re all bitches and whores
Disguised as princesses.
You could take what you want,
But you’re a nice guy
So you don’t.
Instead you try your faithful sidekick.
She smiles,
“Sorry, I’m not interested
In being more than friends.”
You’re stuck.
Then you realize
Who the real enemy is.

Level 4: The Internet
Opponent: Feminists
They’ve invaded your sanctuary
Led by the one who speaks lies.
She tears apart
Your beloved worlds.
You attack
With 140 words,
Drawing them out.
Their leader visits your town;
It’s time for the final battle.
You step away from the computer
And upgrade your weapon.

poppies

He’s decked out in red.  It’s the traditional uniform of the Beefeaters, who are the soldiers who guard the Tower of London.  Or something like that.  He stands in the center of the green grass outside the walls amidst a sea of red poppies.

To be fair, they aren’t real poppies.  They’re ceramic, and they’re “planted” in the green grass outside the Tower of London for a very specific and important reason.

The Beefeater reads yet another name from the list in front of him.  It’s a name that to someone somewhere might mean something, but the meaning has been watered down by another one hundred years of British history.  It’s a name that may be neatly printed on a family tree somewhere, or maybe it’s scrawled on the back of a yellowing photograph stashed away in some forgotten shoebox or chest.

It could also be a name that means nothing to anyone anywhere, because the people of the world we live in can be that horrible, cold, and indifferent.

A breeze flutters across the ramparts of the Tower from the Thames.  If these poppies were real, they’d bend and sway in the breeze just like they did (and still do) in France all those years ago, but these poppies are different.  They stand straight and rigid, at perpetual attention, just like the young men did as their sergeants inspected them before shipping out to places like Verdun and the Somme to fight what they thought/hoped/believed would be the last war that anyone would ever have to fight.

The sun has, for the moment, set on this particular portion of the British Empire.  Cars and taxis and pedestrians make their way over the streets of London, airplanes full of businessmen and vacationers hum silently overhead from Gatwick to any and every corner of the planet, and tourists of all creeds and colors snap photos of each other to commemorate their European summer holiday.

In the glow of a single light, the Beefeater reads yet another name from the list in front of him.  Surrounded by 888,246 ceramic red poppies in the shadow of the Tower of London, he makes a weary and sincere effort to think of the young man who is now little more than a faded memory and red ceramic poppy, because being remembered is all anyone can ever hope for, and sometimes the only gift you can give someone is the only gift they’d ever want.

Week 6 Recap

Ebola. And the panic caused by said Ebola. Dallas is now ground zero and people are starting to freak. One man has died already, with negligence in the diagnosis stage of his care being a real possibility. Now one of the nurses who tried to save his life is infected. So a hearty fuck you to Ebola, you sick son of a bitch.

***(SADDEST) MATCHUP OF THE WEEK***

Kickers Are People Too (4-2) over Three Prom Queens (5-1)

Visual Approximation:

Yes this was the worst matchup of the week by far, where 11th highest score met 12th highest, but this is also where we lost our last undefeated amid a week of blowouts and another almost as bad game where 7th highest beat 8th highest so, matchup of the week by default.

I think we can officially declare Demaryius Thomas back. Julius Thomas is still getting more red zone looks but Demaryius is now looking like the #1 wideout when before it was Emmanuel Sanders getting more targets. His 28.4 was the only starter on either team to break 20. Andy Dalton was by no means bad, but Derek definitely picked the wrong QB in that ugly, ugly tie. Ahmad Bradshaw was one yard shy of being Derek’s third player over 15 points. He and Demaryius accounted for all of Derek’s TD’s, which is a big reason he failed to reach 90 points. Dez at least had the “I was playing against Richard Sherman” excuse for his low (for him anyways) numbers. Zac Stacy has a similar excuse against the 49ers run defense. Reggie Wayne, Owen Daniels, and DeAndre Hopkins get no such excuse, they all just sucked. But even they were no match for the awful radiating from Cincinnati’s D/ST. After three weeks over ten points they went on bye and apparently forgot how to play defense. They’ve failed to even reach zero both weeks since the break. So much negativity… I feel the need to remind everyone that Derek actually won.

Only Matt could finally lose yet get even luckier in the process. His lead for fewest points against (now over Derek, mostly due to how atrocious Matt’s own score was this week) actually grew this week despite the loss. I know everyone I talked to expected Larry Donnell and Andre Williams to get the eleven extra points they needed Sunday night for Matt to win with a score barely over 90. But no amount of fantasy AIDS directed towards Derek’s team could outdo the shitshow New York “football” Giants put on. Matt’s two players couldn’t even combine for 10 points, which was about par for the course for the Giants, who looked absolutely lost in their 27-0 defeat that was nowhere near as close as the score might suggest. Here’s the part where I point out that Larry Donnell’s last three games have been for 30.4 (against me, fuck that guy), 0, and now 1.6. Matt’s top score was Allen Robinson, which is already enough of a red flag. Robinson’s score of 14.8 is an even bigger one. Winning without anyone reaching 20 is doable but requires Matt levels of luck. Winning with no one reaching 15 is just about impossible, as evidenced here. Especially when more than half your team failed to reach seven. Things weren’t much better on the bench either. Reuben Randle did manage to break into double digits, but again no one could make it to a measly 15 points.

Depressing (for only Matt, everyone else point and laugh) sidenote: Chang’s bench outscored Matt F’s starters.

Depressing sidenote for both Matt and Derek (and also blowing more sunshine up Chang’s ass): Combined score of both these teams: 168.6, Chang’s score: 169.8

 

Mr. Welker’s Wild Ride (4-2) over Sad Cowboy (1-5)

Visual Approximation:

I’m pretty sure this is the diary of a crazy person, but when I googled “faith rewarded” and saw the bleak look on his face I had to go with it.

My faith in Torrey Smith was finally rewarded, as well as my faith in Washington derping everything up. I’m not positive but I believe all of Smith’s points came in the first quarter. I know both of his TD catches came within the first six minutes of the game. The Baltimore passing offense wasn’t employed much longer than that. I’m kinda shocked the NFL hasn’t prepared a mercy rule to use specifically for Tampa Bay games yet. This 48-17 wasn’t quite as bad as the 56-14 they suffered against Atlanta a few weeks back, but it was equally hard to watch. The Cards D/ST was actually lagging behind Cleveland’s score for most of the afternoon, but Washington finally embraced their awfulness in the fourth quarter, turning the ball over four times and allowing a defensive touchdown.  Peyton Manning and DeMarco Murray both broke 20 points again, something they’ve managed to do every game this season so far. Murray’s usage rate is still troubling, but improved line play and plain old luck have kept him healthy so far. Not even Seattle’s league-best run defense could slow Murray down. Ben Tate also saw a huge number of carries against Pittsburgh, and converted them into two touchdowns. My tight end duo both caught TD’s as well. Wes Welker and Keenan Allen both saw a scarily low number of targets, it feels like they’re getting lost among their talented peers in diverse passing games.

Arian Foster got things off to a ridiculous start Thursday night with 141 yards and two TD’s (which I must point out hurt Nick’s defense in the process), but the rest of Nick’s team couldn’t keep pace. Jay Cutler did his part, throwing for an insane 381 yards, but only one QT kept his score from being dominant. Jordan Cameron almost got to twenty points on only three touches, thanks to a 51-yard TD catch. Vincent Jackson was about a quarter inch from a great day, but ended up with a “meh” 10.6 points instead. Witten covered up an awful day by catching a TD pass. I think Roddy White suffered more excruciating hits than caught balls, not a good ratio. C.J. Spiller definitely takes the shit-filled cake though. Nineteen yards on six carries with a fumble makes for an ugly -.1. Odell Beckham Jr. (cool name btw) needed a historic performance to overcome Nick’s point deficit in the Sunday night game and instead only caught two balls for 28 yards and no scores.

Depressing sidenote: “Whoever is playing vs. Nick this week” is now our best team, by a whopping 54 points. 11th in points for and 1st in points against is a pretty depressing combo.

 

Started From The Bottom (3-3) over Bledsoe loves Bradys balls (2-4)

Visual Approximation:

While the scores weren’t as brutal as some, this matchup would’ve been better off taking place in a field hospital (that’s a field hospital from WWI above). Mahoney lucked out in that his players wre already injured, so they weren’t started. Boone’s guys started healthy but got hurt mid-game, costing him valuable points.

Mahoney broke 130 with an extremely balanced attack. Steve Smith was the high score at 22, no one else even broke 20. But more importantly everyone broke 10. The whole team only managed 3 TD’s and a QT, so most of the damage came from yards. Justin Forsett, Brandon Marshall, Julian Edelman, and Steve Smith all eclipsed the 100 yard mark in either rushing or receiving (or both combined in Edelman’s case). Nothing stands out as particularly great or particularly bad, just overwhelming cruel, cold efficiency. That Mahoney could reach such a height without any great scores and without two of his three lions was impressive. Especially considering the absence of Reggie Bush and Calvin Johnson definitely affected Stafford’s numbers. Detroit is this weird grind-it-out defensive team without those two guys on offense.

Sunday was not a good day for the knees on Boone’s team. Darren Sproles suffered an MCL tear that should keep him out a few weeks but not cost him the season. Victor Cruz was nowhere near as lucky. He tore his patella tendon and will lucky to walk by December. Those two injuries proved too much to overcome, and Boone was summarily blown out. Poor games from Eddie Lacy and Ben Roethlisberger contributed greatly to the loss as well. Andre Johnson and Brandon LaFell actually had their best games of the year, but they were cancelled out by both the injuries and by Julio Jones posting by far his worst total all season.

Depressing sidenote: Boone has started Ben over Romo five of six weeks so far. Romo has outscored Ben five of six weeks so far. Boone didn’t get it wrong all six times, but still, notice the trends! Of course we all know it’s going to be super awkward when the Cowboys go 3-7 down the stretch so maybe Boone is just getting in front of that other shoe dropping.

 

HALFTIME

• 47%
• Story after story after story of cats being magical and trustworthy companions to main characters while dogs just kinda barked at stuff led me to believe Lovecraft was more of a cat person. But he’s had a few stories now where loyal and protective dogs managed to drive away and even kill some of the tentacled horrors attacking the main characters. Of course a bunch of those dogs died in the attacks or were shot by evil humans, so maybe his feelings on dogs are a a little complicated.
• Does anyone read this section btw? I imagine these updates are getting a little old.
• The Old Gods/Ancient Ones/Evil dudes you think of when you think of Lovecraft can officially interbreed with human women. This led to a half-human/half-horror that stood nine feet tall but could still manage to blend in with society through thick layers of clothes covering up all the tentacles/extra eyes/whatever other horrifying shit that covered most of his body. Then this hybrid giant died fighting a single dog. So in this story not only is the tallest person in the world accepted as normal by society (the actual tallest recorded human was 8’11” and was a sideshow attraction wherever he went) but despite being bigger than the hulk he can’t fight a single dog. I get that the right breed of dogs can be quite ferocious but still, seems kinda wimpy for a half-god that’s taller than The Hulk to succumb to wounds from a single canine.
• Lovecraft may have invented the whole keeping brains alive in jars thing too.
• The story I just started, In the Mountains of Madness is supposedly one of the most famous of Lovecraft’s works. Right now they’re digging up strange stuff at the South Pole, so I’m guessing it was at least a partial inspiration for The Thing, which is a movie all of you need to see if you haven’t already.

 

I’m Retarded? (2-4) over T Tard (2-4)

Visual Approximation:

Why yes, I was tempted to use something from the Special Olympics here, thanks for asking. I decided I’m not that awful, at least this week. And yes, Hilton had an even better fantasy day than Flacco, but he’s not nearly as memeable.

Holy shit T.Y. Hilton. Nine catches, two hundred and twenty-three yards (spelled out for emphasis), and a touchdown. His 37.3 points trailed only Matt Forte this week. Giovani Bernard was one carry from a disappointingly mediocre performance in what was a quintessentially mediocre game (get it?). But since that carry went for 89 yards and a TD Bernard had a fantastic day. Antonio Brown was fed as per usual. In what has to be encouraging for Ryan, LeSean McCoy finally looked like the shady we’ve all come to expect. He played his best game all year, almost doubling his best rushing performance of the year, and was only a TD away from having his best fantasy score. Ryan’s other scores were low, highlighted by his continued inability to start a QB when he’s hot (Eli spent too much of Sunday night running for his life to score any fantasy points), but he had the big performances he needed to overcome such troubles.

Missing his superstar QB/TE combo was supposed to hurt Clayton, but his replacements still averaged 18 points. Of course this was almost exclusively thanks to Joe Flacco. Words can’t accurately describe how completely he shredded the Tampa Bay secondary. I’m not sure he could’ve had a better first 16 minutes if Tampa Bay fielded literally no defenders. It was just one minute into the second quarter when Flacco threw his fifth QT, the fastest anyone has completed such a feat since the AFL-NFL merger. That was enough to get John Harbaugh to call off the slaughter and basically run out the clock for 3/4 of the game. Meanwhile Heath Miller caught two balls for 19 yards, so yeah, Jimmy Graham was definitely missed. The problem is no one aside from Flacco could put together a decent day. Nobody made it to 100 total yards (Ellington came closest with 93), and if it weren’t for TD’s by Garcon and Lamar Miller things would look especially grim. Andrew Hawkins, Heath Miller, and Kendall Wright combined for three catches and 25 yards, along with no scores. Clayton would’ve needed two more Joe Flaccos to make up for those kind of performances, and I’m not sure the world can handle that much bland whiteness.

Depressing sidenote: 2-4 Clayton is actually our top scorer through six weeks. He has outscored 4-2 Connie by 10, 4-2 me by 40, and 5-1 Matt F by 50. He’s also been 47 points luckier than Connie and has scored more points than had points scored against him.

The Bortle Squad (3-3) over Silly STU wins are for me (4-2)

Visual Approximation:

Chang’s squad was about as perfect as can be on Sunday. Even if he had gone with his least optimal lineup (starting an injured Montee Ball over Matt Forte and an on-bye Bryan Quick for Randall Cobb) against Connie’s optimal lineup (putting Greg Jennings in over Shane Vereen) he would still be victorious. Rarely is a beatdown so through in fantasy football.

Apparently 32.2 last week wasn’t enough for Matt Forte, who led all scorers this week with a ridiculous 37.7. Forte broke 150 total yards, scored two rushing TD’s, and again tried to break the PPR system with 10 catches. Forte is currently leading the league in catches, which is pretty nuts considering he’s also a top tier running back. Branden Oliver is looking like the waiver find of the season after only two weeks in a starting position with San Diego. Oliver actually took a step back compared to last week in terms of fantasy points, but he still managed an excellent 22.4. No one else broke 20 for Chang, which is a little surprising considering he had this season’s highest score so far. The secret was that only two players were under 15 points, Nick Folk (who came close at 14.4) and Delanie Walker, who actually tied his low score of the year from last week. Mike Wallace, Randall Cobb, Kelvin Benjamin, and James Jones all had eerily similar games. All of them had 5-7 catches (in fact they all had five except for Benjamin), 49-67 receiving yards, and each had a TD catch. Thus their fantasy scores were all between 16.6 and 17.9. Though they obviously got there in a wildly different manner, the Titans D/ST also fell in that scoring range with 17.5 points. Add a bunch of good performances to one spectacular one and you get this season’s best score.

Connie’s winning streak ends at four. Though Antonio Brown is only .8 points behind, Jordy Nelson is the number one wideout in fantasy, and he played like it Sunday. His efforts, plus solid outings from Joique Bell and Rob Gronkowski at least got Connie to triple digits, but it wasn’t anywhere near enough to challenge Chang. There was a scary moment where Gronk fell on his already surgically repaired arm, but he got it checked out and returned to the game to play well. Jeremy Hill hid a bad day behind a TD run, while Russel Wilson hid an abysmal day behind a TD run. His passing totals would only get him three points. Shane Vereen and Doug Martin had no such luck with TD’s, so their atrocious performances are out there in plain sight. Vereen got lost in an offense with too many weapons (though an injury to Stevan Ridley could change that in the coming weeks) while Doug Martin’s team was down five touchdowns so quickly that he never got a chance to make something happen. This has become a reoccurring theme for Martin unfortunately, as Tampa Bay is making a bad habit of getting blown out of games. The 45 yards he did accrue actually tied his season high, which is oh so sad for a starting RB with four weeks of work behind him. And somehow the Chargers D/ST was even worse than all that. After four of five weeks in the double digits, they took what looked like a tasty matchup against the Raiders and turned it into just .5 fantasy points.

Depressing sidenote: I was expecting Connie to do something creative with her team naming convention (like “FINE CHANG I DIDN’T WANT THAT WIN ANYWAYS” or something) once she finally lost. Instead, she’s just living in the past, mocking Stu for that super close game in week 5.

 

Julius Thomas the Tank Engine (4-2) over The Fighting Mongooses (2-4)

Visual Approximation:

The six running backs started in this matchup averaged less than 5.5 points per player, “highlighted” by Trent Richardson’s 10.1 and lowlighted by Jonathan Stewart’s injury-aided 0. Basically everyone was running like that poor bastard above. Though without the Sonic head, that part’s a little weird.

Because I’m so rarely right about things, I’m gonna brag about a prediction here. I said Stu could have a top 3 QB, RB, and TE this year and sure enough he has the #3 QB, #3 RB, and #1 TE going by average points per game. Of course I was thinking Aaron Rodgers would be that QB and not Philip Rivers… but hey, close enough. Rodgers is #5 himself so that ain’t too bad either. Of those four guys, everyone but Marshawn Lynch (who ran for 6.1 yards per carry but only got 10 carries due to Dallas holding the ball for 38 minutes) were in top form Sunday. Rivers was started over Rodgers, which turned out to be the wrong move by all of .2 points, not exactly a huge factor in Stu’s overall score. Rivers is probably the leading MVP candidate right now, though he needs to be throwing more to Keenan Allen IMO. Julius Thomas has nine TD’s through five games, a historic pace that may just be sustainable. After all it’s just so fuckin’ easy for him. DeSean Jackson made the most of that atrocious game Sunday, scoring 21 points on just four touches. Michael Crabtree’s touchdown was just enough to hold off a surge from Victoria’s pair of San Franciscans and give Stu the narrow victory. Again, the less said about running backs here the better.

Anquan Boldid did his part Monday nightto give Victoria a fighting chance at a comeback, but Frank Gore ran into whatever RB curse plagued this matchup. 16 carries for 38 yards just wasn’t enough, so Victoria falls to 2-4. Andrew Luck is still the #1 player in fantasy after taking Houston to task. Alshon Jeffery was two plays from a monster game, but he stumbled on a 74-yard catch that could’ve easily been a TD and had a TD he actually caught called back due to a penalty. Zach Ertz did his part in dismantling the Giants, but Maclin came up severely lacking. And again we have the running back issues. Roy Helu led her starters with an anemic 8.6. Frank Gore and Chris Ivory couldn’t even combine for that many points. The Seahawks ST was spectacular, but the D was so bad (that’s what she said?) that they couldn’t even break ten points.

Depressing Sidenote: Even though Luck played well, it turns out this was the week he should’ve been benched for Kaepernick. Their stat lines were similar but Luck had two turnovers, just enough to put Stu ahead. And this is your weekly reminder that Victoria still has newly admitted pot-smoker Adrian Peterson on her roster.

Waiver Wire Stupidity

It’s been asked a few times so I’ll put this here as a public service announcement. I do not have magical commissioner powers to see what everyone bid each week. That information is available to everyone. On the league home page near the bottom there is a link to the Free Agent Auction Report. That’s how I know I paid $4 more than I needed to for Andre Holmes, and that Clayton, Nick, and Mahoney all put in bids for him. That’s also how I know Derek is super stingy, he has $0 bids almost every week that he loses. I hope he knows he doesn’t get to keep those $98 at the end of the season. The $2 he spent on Darren McFadden proved pretty shrewd though, as Boone and Mahoney both bid $1 and lost.

 

A Look Ahead

Me vs. Mahoney

No byes for either of us.

Can Megatron and Reggie Bush sit out one more week please?

 

Connie vs. Matt F

Connie’s byes: Doug Martin, Bobby Rainey

Matt’s byes: None

Our top two teams in the standings face off! Connie is missing a pair of Buccaneers, which if anything is good for her outlook this week.

 

Chang vs. Clayton

Chang’s byes: Nick Foles

Clayton’s byes: Eagles D/ST

Our top score of last week vs. our top overall scorer, fantasy rules dictate that this matchup will end 85-75 just to confuse everyone.

 

Stu vs. Boone

Stu’s byes: Riley Cooper

Boone’s byes: Darren Sproles

Despite his status as lowest scorer, Boone is only two games (and 110 points) from the division lead. Stu is holding a very precarious lead over Derek, who now owns our longest winning streak at four games. So they both really need this one.

 

Derek vs. Ryan King

Derek’s byes: None

Ryan’s byes: LeSean McCoy

McCoy finally has a good game then immediately goes on bye, sounds about right for Ryan’s luck so far this year.

 

Victoria vs. Nick

Victoria’s bye: Jeremy Maclin, Zach Ertz

Nick’s byes: Vincent Jackson, Mike Evans, Jordan Matthews

Victoria has lost three straight, but playing Nick means a free 135 points. At least Nick gets Jamaal Charles back.

 

Epidemic

I’ve been inspired to participate in Rattle‘s “Poets Respond” , in which poets write about a recent news item, and  I decided that the poems that don’t get selected will be published here with a link to the news story that inspired them.  “Epidemic” was a response to an NPR piece about the stigma Thomas Eric Duncan’s neighborhood has now faced.  There were rumors of customers being denied entry to places for because they looked African.  Even if these stories were not true, racism is that global plague that can no longer be ignored.

Epidemic

There is an epidemic
That sends no one in a panic.
The WHO cannot do anything,
Yet it rarely makes headlines
And when it does,
Sources are disputed:
“This is opinion,
Not scientific fact.”
The disease is highly contagious,
And while studies have shown
That it is not heritable,
Transmission from parent to child
Is highly probable.
The disease mutates quickly
And attacks the heart.
Actually it corrupts the insides
Despite no visible symptom
On the exterior,
Save for bursts of violence.
We think it originated in Europe,
But it’s spread
To every corner of civilization.
It cannot be contained
Even though the infected
Quarantine themselves—
It’s the delusions
Making them think
The Other is infected.
This is a deadly disease
That has claimed many lives,
Yet governments make no laws
And many look away
At another epidemic,
Perhaps not knowing
They have become ill.

parking lot sketch #6

The Plano Walmart Supercenter is located at 6000 Coit Road in Plano, TX.

Around 11:00 p.m. on a Sunday night, I was walking out of the Walmart with a random assortment of groceries.  As I neared my car, an older woman approached me and started to give me the standard, “I’m sorry for bothering you, but…” routine.  I usually try to stop and listen to people’s tales of woe, and I often end up giving them something.  It’s not because I’m a good person or anything, because I really don’t think I am.  It’s instead because of an overwhelming amount of guilt over having been born into the world of middle-class white people.

The lady stood in front of me while I searched my pockets and wallet for any cash at all.  When I came up empty handed, I apologized, wished them luck, and got in my car and drove away.

I was on automatic for the entire conversation.  She was someone who needed help for whatever reason, and she decided to wander the parking lot of a Walmart at 11:00 p.m. on a Sunday night asking people for money.  I’ve had many people approach me on the street, and I feel like I’ve been desensitized to their plights.  The anxiety I feel as they’re asking me for money is terribly difficult for me, so I try to listen to them while I quickly search for money, because money will make them go away and end the awkward, panicky encounter.  For me, at least.  Yes, I do feel despicable about that.

The Plano Walmart Supercenter is located at 6000 Coit Road in Plano, TX.  That’s not far at all from my mom’s house, and I was near my neighborhood when I saw, for the first time, what had just happened in the parking lot.

The older woman was wearing dark framed glasses and a thin red sweatshirt, and her face was fraught with worry.  She had curly gray hair and was roughly 5’4″, or about a foot shorter than me.  As we spoke, we stood to the left of my car, a blue Ford Focus, and in front of her car, a maroon Dodge Durango.  “I’m so sorry to bother you, but I’m trying to get my son to Parkland, and we could use some money for gas,” she said.

When we were standing there in the parking lot, that’s what she said.  But “Hey, I need money,” is what I heard.

Parkland Hospital is located at 5201 Harry Hines in Dallas, TX.  That’s 23.1 miles away from the Plano Walmart Supercenter.  The Dodge Durango gets up to 16 miles per gallon in the city, and this maroon one didn’t look like it was in very good shape.  After I searched my wallet for cash the first time, I feel like I just got in the car and drove away.  But as I drove into my neighborhood, I remembered seeing a young man in the passenger seat of the Dodge Durango.  He had a blank, pained stare on his face, and had his head propped up against the glass of the passenger window.

“If this guy is so sick, why don’t they just call an ambulance?  Why does he have to go to Parkland?  There are a bunch of other hospitals closer that could help him if he’s actually in some type of medical trouble,” the bitterly pragmatic and pessimistic voice in my head asked.

And that’s when it happened.

Images of the inside of the psych ward started flying through my mind.  I saw the faces of patients with blank, pained stares, and the memory of my mother’s face, fraught with worry while visiting me in the psych ward, brought itself to the top of my mind and refused to leave.

I turned around and made it back to the Walmart parking lot and stopped the older woman in the thin red sweatshirt.  I asked her to sit in her Dodge Durango with her son, and told her I’d be right back.

I went to the Plano Walmart Supercenter ATM and got a little bit of gas money.  I handed it to the woman, and she reached out to shake my hand.  “God bless you, son,” she said with a firm and shaky grip on my hand.  I wished them a good night, got back in my car, and drove home.

I have no idea what happened to them.  I will never see them again, and I have no way of knowing if they actually went to Parkland or if they actually needed the money, and to be totally honest, I don’t want to know.

I just hope they made it.  23.1 miles can be a long way to go at 11:00 p.m. on a Sunday night.

Week 5 Recap

Five down, eleven to go. Eleven of us are within three games of a playoff spot. Ryan King is… not. But hey, eleven more chances to fix that!

Another week without anything requiring my actual rage. I don’t want to lull everyone into a false sense of security so let’s try and remember the NFL did a bunch of awful shit this offseason and now are just hoping we forget all about it.

The insane luck of our already three time champion, one Matthew Fairchild. MATT YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON THAT NEEDS THIS KIND OF STUPID LUCK, QUIT IT. Matt is currently sitting at 480.9 points against, by far the least in the league. For reference, Ryan King is our current lowest scoring team with 523.5. Matt is averaging seven points per game less against than our lowest scoring team. Even though he’s played against the 8th, 9th, 12th, 7th, and 6th highest scorers so far (this is a bit misleading, several of these teams were ranked higher until the played Matt, when his fantasy AIDS or whatever ruined them), it’s like he’s playing an imaginary 13th every week. I’ll admit I’ve been very lucky myself this year, I’m 11th in points allowed, but I’m almost 58 points ahead of Matt. That’s almost 12 points a week more I’ve faced, and I’ve still been luckier than the rest of you guys. I’m closer to 7th place in points allowed than I am to 12th. When we compare Matt F to poor, sad, Nick it gets downright heinous. Nick has faced 186.3 points more than Matt through only five weeks. That’s 37.26 points a week more. Add 37.26 to Matt F’s opponent’s score each week and he’s now 2-3. Matt could’ve won every week with 108.3 points, while Stu lost this week with 143.32 (that 2 is super important). If you’ve checked Facebook recently you might’ve noticed this also really fucking flustered Chang’s Jimbobs, so kudos to him. JOIN ME IN RIGHTEOUS FURY.

***MATCHUP OF THE WEEK*** 

Silly STU wins are for me (4-1) over Julius Thomas the Tank Engine (3-2)

duh.

Visual Approximation:

As in the picture above, this one might’ve looked like a tie but upon closer inspection Connie won by the literal slimmest of margins. The only way I’ve found to actually check this is on the mobile fantasy app. If you go to the scoreboard and check this matchup, then click on the QB score of each team you’ll see Wilson had 34.24 while Rivers had 21.82. Because I’m dumb when the “tie” first happened I thought Stu would win because his QB yardage was closer to a multiple of 25, but that was looking at the tenths place (which he wins 8 to 2) when I needed to be looking at the hundredths place. 4 is indeed greater than 2, so Connie wins by .02. So the final score was Connie 143.34, Stu 143.32. Considering the smallest unit of scoring we have is a single passing yard worth .04, it is impossible for a matchup to be closer without actually tying. Which, in case you’re curious, Connie would’ve also won because the tiebreaker is bench score. If they somehow tied in starting and bench scores I have no idea what would happen. I’d probably just shut down the league because that’s fucking bonkers.

In case you missed the 34.24 above, Russel Wilson was magnificent Monday night. I’m fairly certain this was the most fantasy points he’s ever scored, and I’m not exaggerating in saying Connie needed every single one of them. One fewer yard passing or rushing would’ve given Stu the win. Wilson was Connie’s leading rusher, had more yards from scrimmage than any other player on her team, and tied for most TD’s. He also threw for 201 yards and 2 QT’s with no turnovers. Connie must’ve been thrilled to see Gronk finally Gronk’ing like the old days with 100 yards and a score. The Chargers D/ST took full advantage of the Jets, who look to be competing with Oakland and Jacksonville for the title of worst team in football. No other amazing scores, but only Matt Asiata’s 5.4 stands out as truly bad. It’s a little scary that Connie could make it to 2nd highest score when Jordy Nelson didn’t even make it to 15 points.

Stu needed so much Monday night, and truthfully he got it. Marshawn Lynch and DeSean Jackson combined for 49.4 points in that game, which would’ve been enough if Russel Wilson didn’t have the best fantasy game of his young career. But here we are. I’m not sure if starting Rivers over Rodgers was shrewd or just lazily forgetting to set a Thursday night lineup, but it worked out for Stu. Rodgers was actually too good to put up good fantasy numbers, Green Bay went up too many points early and he wasn’t needed to throw the ball anymore. 18.2 points on 17 passes is insanely efficient but we don’t reward efficiency, Rivers threw the ball eleven more times in his own blowout and ended up with the higher score. Rather than going back over the painstaking “why couldn’t X player get one more yard!?” misery anymore let’s look at where Stu really gambled and lost. Eric Decker was a game-time decision in a late-kickoff game. Stu left him in hoping he’d play rather than risking putting Riley Cooper or Garrett Graham into his starting lineup. Decker ended up not playing while starting either of his viable bench players (everyone else was already ruled out) would’ve given Stu the win.

 

Kickers Are People Too (3-2) over .. (2-3)

Visual Approximation:

In case you haven’t memorized all of Pulp Fiction, Garçon is French for “boy” but is often used in other languages to mean “waiter”, presumably because all fancy restaurants pretend to be French. Anyways this week Clayton’s own Garçon (In case you’re curious, I copied and pasted that weird C curl thingy whose name I don’t care to remember from Wikipedia) came up a little short Monday night. Sometimes I’m too clever for my own good.

Holy shit, Demaryius Thomas. Demaryius Thomas, holy shit. Eight catches. Two hundred and twenty-six yards. Two touchdowns. And he had a 77-yard TD called back by a penalty. With that he would’ve had 57.3 points, which would be a record for our league. Instead he’ll have to settle with being this week’s top scorer by more than 8 points. What’s craziest here is that Derek had a very real chance of losing Monday night. Dez and Cam Newton were his only other players over 15. No one else could find the end zone, and Rashad Jennings spraining an MCL didn’t help either. Nothing came close to the damage the Cincinnati defense did though. Derek was sitting on a decent-but-nowhere-near safe lead going into Sunday night’s Bengals/Patriots game. The last time the Bengals played their defense scored 19 points. The last time the Patriots played their opponent’s defense scored 21.5 points, so it’s not like playing them was supposed to be any sort of risk. But that game fell into some kind of time warp back to 2008 where Patriots 43 Bengals 17 would make some sense. The Bengals D/ST ended up with -8, though a sack was added in later as phantom points to put them at -7, meaning Clayton would only need a measly 6.8 points from Pierre Garcon to win…

…which he didn’t get. Garçon is turning into the most frustrating kind of fantasy player. He’s got two weeks over 15 points (one of which he went for 30.8) and three weeks of less that five points. If he just sucked then Clayton could cut him loose, but there’s always the chance that this week is the one he goes for 20+. Have fun with that guessing game! Andre Ellington was roughly 95% of the Arizona offense, highlighted by his 81-yard catch and run TD. Golden Tate was similarly effective for the Lions. With everyone else hurt he got increased attention from Matt Stafford and turned it into 26.4 points. Terrence Williams just keeps catching TD’s, he’s got four in his last three games. An early injury to Jimmy Graham led to Drew Brees throwing the ball 57 times and yet only scoring 16.7 points. Clayton won the defense battle by 29.5 but it still wasn’t enough.

Depressing sidenote: Chris Johnson is now Chris Ivory’s backup, that’s like the saddest thing ever. Clayton needs some RB depth ASAP.

 

Sad Cowboy (1-4) over I’m Retarded? (1-4)

Visual Approximation:

Dat watermark. The picture made a lot more sense when this was still Sad Cowboy vs. Dallas Cowboys, but that Quantum Leap gif is so glorious that I can’t even be mad.

It took five weeks and a hell of a game from Arian Foster, but Nick has finally joined the rest of us in The Winners Club. There’s punch and pie! Foster had his best game of the year by far, running for over 150 yards and scoring both Houston TD’s vs. Dallas. Jay Cutler and Vincent Jackson both broke the 20-point barrier, which is good because no one else on Nick’s team made it to 10 points. Winning with a player in the 30s, two players in the 20s, and six players in single digits doesn’t sound very sustainable, in fact it sounds like the kind of team that is 1-4, but Nick has to be relieved that his losing streak didn’t carry into October. I’m curious though Nick, did your other league team win?

As far as I can tell, nothing went horribly wrong with Ryan’s team. No injuries, only one turnover. Everyone just sucked. Zero touchdowns and only two QT’s were certainly part of it. His top score was Eli Manning at 15.7, whom he spent $38 on while the QB he dropped (Tom Brady, now chilling on my bench) scored 21. One somewhat insane stat made headlines this week concerning Ryan’s team though. Antonio Brown holds the NFL record for most consecutive games with at least five catches, now at 22. Ben Roethlisberger even called a dangerous pass late in a very loseable game (they would’ve won automatically just by kneeling the ball, an incomplete pass would’ve given Jacksonville a chance to do something) to ensure he got the fifth catch and kept his streak going. Based on this I’ve decided that Big Ben 1. owns Antonio Brown in fantasy and 2. is crazy/stupid enough to risk his actual professional team that is paying him millions of dollars losing to help his fantasy team out. Still, that’s gotta be good news for Ryan, Brown is definitely going to be fed, even if it’s to his team’s detriment. No one can figure out what is wrong with LeSean McCoy, but something is definitely wrong with LeSean McCoy. He hasn’t looked right all season, especially after taking a blow to the head in week 2. Surely even the NFL isn’t evil enough to cover that up for three weeks though right? No one else even made it to 10 points. Ryan’s just lucky that the other Ryan (Mahoney) team was even worse so he didn’t take the “NOT THE BEES!” trophy of shame.

 

HALFTIME

• 40%
• Finished the 2nd novel and another short story.
• The novel was good but predictable. I don’t know if it’s just years of horror in pop culture that have jaded me but in a story that I think was supposed to have a big twist it was so obvious to me that I was insulted at how dumb the rest of the characters were for not noticing. There’s a big reveal at the end that I saw coming for 3/4 of the book. Maybe it was easier to surprise people in 1925. Folks back then didn’t have decades of Scooby Doo to boost their mystery solving skills.
• The big horror premise in said story was the use of alchemy to bring the dead back to life from some base salts. They even kept “people” in jars, like some kind of demented human spice rack. I found this oddly familiar to a scheme used by The Penguin (played by Burgess Meredith, better known as the curmudgeonly trainer Mick from the Rocky movies) in the 1966 Adam West Batman movie. Picturing the antagonist and his ilk as an overweight man in a top hat and monocle quacking incessantly was probably not what Lovecraft had in mind.
•  I’m pretty sure the short story was a direct inspiration for The Blob. What’s impressive is the story wasn’t lame when I can’t think of a more lame horror premise than The Blob. 
• Lovecraft actually coined the term “Necronomicon”, thought that was pretty cool.
• The latest story I’m into name drops The King in Yellow, which both inspired Lovecraft back in the early 20th century as well as being alluded to frequently in last year’s True Detective on HBO. This stuff is hugely influential once you know what to look for.

Bledsoe Loves Brady’s Balls (2-3) over The Fighting Mongooses (2-3)

Visual Approximation:

I was feeling uninspired on this one so I just Googled “Eddie” (because of Eddie Lacy) and Eddie the Head up there was about the first 20 or so responses. The internet must really heavy metal album covers. So why not, I went with the most inspirational one.

Speaking of Eddie Lacy, he started the week off great for Boone with eight yards per carry and two TD’s, in addition to three catches for 27 yards. He ended up leading all scorers from both teams. Julio Jones broke 20 again without even catching a TD. And in a surprise to nobody, starting your defense against Jacksonville leads to a good time. Starting Ben Roethlisberger against the Jacksonville defense didn’t go quite as well, but it all worked out. If you add up the last three weeks of Darren Sproles output it’s still 11.1 points shy of what he did in week 2. His hot start is looking more fluky by the minute. Stats are usually complicated but this one sums up Boone’s win pretty simply: Eddie Lacy points- 28.2. All three of Victoria’s RB totals combined- 18.8. That kind of thing is almost impossible to recover from.

The good that Victoria’s receivers and quarterback did could not outweigh her RB fiasco, especially since she started three RB’s. Alshon Jeffery, Jeremy Maclin, and Anquan Boldin were all within two catches and 25 receiving yards of each other, though Boldin was the only receiver to not catch a TD, muting his numbers a bit. Andrew Luck failed to reach 20 for only the second time this season, but he was only .3 short and still remains the highest scoring player in fantasy, both in total production and average weekly production. Like last week, Frank Gore was Victoria’s best option at RB and was just sitting there on her bench, unloved. His 11.8 weren’t nearly enough to close the gap between her and Boone however. It’s almost like there’s this big piece missing from her team at RB… With the Adrian Peterson situation moving at a snail’s pace said piece looks like it’s going to stay missing.

 

Depressing sidenote: The Seahawks D/ST is still good, but not exactly good at fantasy. Going by average weekly score (to negate the fact they’re already had their bye) they are currently 22nd. Seven defenses with a higher per-game average are available on waivers. Also weekly reminder that Adrian Peterson is still on Victoria’s roster.

 

Mr Welker’s Wild Ride (3-2) over The Bortle Squad (2-3)

Visual Approximation:

My thinking here was “hey my tight ends do well and ‘tight ends’ are a euphemism for butts” and sure enough googling “tight ends” returns some fine butts for staring at. But I went with this slightly classier option. I have no idea what GFL stands for in that parody logo but the purple, gold, and glitteryness of it all makes me suspect that porn is somehow involved.

Shades of Peyton Fucking Manning! The Denver QB’s numbers had actually been down this year, though he’d still managed at least 20 points a game so far. Sunday looked more like 2013’s PFM than anything else this season. He accrued 31 points on 479 yards and 4 QT’s against a normally stout Arizona defense. The two interceptions seem like a meaningless sidenote when you look at his total body of work. Another player with an inoffensive turnover problem Sunday was DeMarco Murray. Murray has put the ball on the ground in four of five games this season, thankfully just once per contest. There is an inherent randomness to fumbles, and none of them being recovered by Dallas is a statistical outlier, but that many fumbles means something is mechanically wrong with the way Murray is holding the ball. Regardless, he’s been so good on the plays he doesn’t fumble that the Cowboys are feeding him the ball at a dangerous rate. 30 carries is amazing now but I want to be able to start Murray in say, week 14. If Dallas keeps up his current usage rate his legs might be worn down to little nubs by then. Two touchdowns apiece to my two tight ends pushed me all the way to this week’s top score.

Matt Forte did everything he could to break the PPR scoring system. 160 total yards and a TD will always make for a good score, but Forte earned twelve points purely through catches. That’s just .4 short of Randall Cobb’s total production! Brian Quick amassed his big score the opposite way, few touches but high impact. Two of his five catches went for TD’s. The dramatic dropoff after those two players is what cost Chang this week, no one else could make it to 15 points. Nick Foles certainly played better than last week, but he’s been nowhere near the level he played at in 2013 this year. Randall Cobb was in the awkward position of his team being too good to get many fantasy points. His four targets actually led the team, because the Packers were up by so much so fast that they never really had throw the ball. That he could manage 12.4 on just four targets is pretty impressive. Montee Ball (though an injury plays a part), Kelvin Benjamin, and Delanie Walker all having their worst games of the year on Sunday certainly didn’t help either.

Depressing sidenote: Even though we both had multiple high scorers, both Chang and I left our top scorers on the bench. Pierre Thomas led my team with 31.2 and Branden Oliver (who?) led Chang’s with 34.2. In fact, if Chang had played Oliver over Ball (a very tough call I’ll admit) he would’ve won by .3.

 

Three Prom Queens (5-0) over Started From The Bottom (2-3)

Visual Approximation:

I’ve already ranted plenty on Matt’s stupid luck. In case you forgot, Matt’s luck has been stupid and this smug as fuck looking duck (hey that rhymes!) embodies that perfectly IMO.

Again, fuck Larry Donnell. When he needs 3 TD’s for Matt he gets them, now this week Mahoney’s team looks like an emergency room so he takes the week off and puts up a 0. In a matchup Matt still wins by 25.2. No one  could even get to 18 points. This is the kind of week I expected Matt to have when I ranked him 9th way back when, lots of decent scores (outside of poor forgotten Cordarelle Patterson’s 2.8 and Alfred Morris’s Seahawks-aided 3.7) but nothing amazing. AND HE STILL WON. THIS IS GETTING FRUSTRATING FOR THE REST OF US. If Emmanuel Sanders ever starts scoring TD’s the season’s probably over for the rest of us. He’s averaging more than 19 a game despite never reaching that sweet sweet end zone.

Justin Forsett made up more than 30% of Mahoney’s points. That would be okay if Forsett had like… 40 points, but sadly he only had 22.7. Mahoney is very reliant on the Lions and the Ravens and the Bears (oh my!), and all of them struggled Sunday. Reggie Bush, Calvin Johnson, and Brandon Marshall are all hurt, with the two Detroit players having to leave their game early. Their absence made things much more difficult for Matt Stafford, who struggled without his usual weapons on the field. Martellus Bennett and Steve Smith Sr. just seemed to have a down week, which Mahoney could ill afford. The aforementioned Forsett was the lone bright spot, and even he spent a troubling amount of time on the bench ceding carries to two other RBs. So if three teams play poorly 80 percent of Mahoney’s lineup is toast. Of course if they play well he might be unstopbeatable. The very definition of high risk, high reward.

Depressing sidenote: Mahoney’s bench is already littered with O’s, if Bush, Johnson, or Marshall end up missing time he might not even be able to field a full team without dropping someone.

 

Waiver Wire Stupidity

Looking at this page is really interesting. Clearly Ryan’s been desperately trying anything to improve his team, it’s just not getting him anywhere. Nick’s in a similar situation, though with the luck he’s had I’m not sure any waiver magic could have saved him. Connie meanwhile has made the most of her purchases. Derek is just super stingy; I can’t wait til he spends $95 in week 13 or something. I think Matt F has spent half of his money so far on Jaguars receivers, which is about the only thing I can make fun of him for right now. Connie just dropped Hearns, feel free to spend another $15 on him! Meanwhile last night Chang pretty much just bought everything. $27 for Ronnie Hillman is a little goofy, but RB desperation makes a man do goofy things. He was also somehow the only person to bid on the Titans D/ST, which is a little shocking. That’s $5 wasted, mostly because the rest of us were too dumb to check and see who was playing Jacksonville on Sunday. Stu is still sitting pretty with an open roster spot, that seems like a dangerous game to play.

 

A Look Ahead

Nick vs. Me

Nick’s byes: Jamaal Charles, Marques Colston, Chiefs D/ST, Knile Davis

My byes: Pierre Thomas

I get to play Nick without Jamaal, but DeMarco is going against Seattle, so maybe it evens out?

 

Victoria vs. Stu

Victoria’s byes: None

Stu’s byes: Khiry Robinson

Is this the week Stu swallows his pride and starts Riley Cooper? I can never get enough material for racist jokes!

 

Ryan King vs. Clayton

Ryan’s byes: None

Clayton’s byes: Drew Brees, Jimmy Graham, Dwayne Bowe

Ryan’s one win came in taking full advantage of Stu’s worst bye week. Now he’s got Clayton’s worst bye week.

 

Boone vs. Mahoney

Boone’s byes: None

Mahoney’s byes: Donnie Avery

Mahoney’s only got the one bye, but there are enough Q’s and O’s in his lineup to make a grown man shudder.

 

Connie vs. Chang

Connie’s byes: Brandin Cooks, Travis Kelce, Mark Ingram

Chang’s byes: None

Connie’s byes aren’t all that harmful, but Chang is projected to crush her (even with replacements for her byes). In other words, congrats on the win Connie! Those projections can go suck a big fat dick. I’m pretty sure I’m 3-0 when projected to lose and 0-2 when projected to win. So congrats to Nick as well for beating me!

 

Derek vs. Matt F

Derek’s byes: None

Matt F’s byes: None

Technically Ray Rice is listed as on bye every week, that’s dumb. Please win Derek lol.

Break Room Sketch #1

The sun had only been up for a few moments, but those of us who had been scampering around the asphalt landscape of the bus depot for the last couple of hours were sweating like noontime.  I took a quick slurp from the clattering old water fountain and sat down at the table with uneven legs in the corner where we’d usually discuss weekend plans, coworkers and their infuriating habits, and new ways for the Cowboys to disappoint us, but today was different.

He took his phone out of his pocket and tapped a few things on the screen.  He held it up in front of me, and with a smile wider and more brilliant than the sunrise spilling through the break room window said, “That’s her.”