One

I never got around to sharing this piece (partly because I didn’t have an accompanying photo). I thought I’d revive this site by finally posting this!

Some arrive in pairs; more leave coupled, sometimes in multiples.  But there is always one constant, one figure, one: me.

One is the number of letters in I, the word embedded in lone—and alone (a singular too).  The power of one changes nothing, and I feel so close to nothing.  One is so close to zero, but it is where I must be— for it is more than zero.  It is the top.

Thus I press on.  I take what others have given me and remember the moments they decide to leave me by myself.  I push and bend and work, continuing the climb to the top. 

It is there—in the position of number one, above them all, that I realize I’m still on my own.  One is where I am at and how I will leave.  Some things never change, but now everybody is looking.

mosquitoes

“I guess our invites to the mosquitoes got lost in the mail,” Granddad chuckled to himself, Schlitz on his breath, a hot dog clutched in his hand.

“I guess so,” Dad grinned.

“I know it’s a little bit cooler than usual out here but you think they could bother to put on a sweater or something,” Granddad said, amused with himself.

Dad shook his head over by the old Weber grill.

“Yeah, you’d think so,” he said.

It would be our last summer barbecue at Granddad’s before he went to the home, and we didn’t know.  There was no way we could’ve known about everything that was going on with him—the lost stretches of time and faces and seemingly numberless copies and copies of house keys that Dad had to keep making for him.

“He’ll fight it,” our mother had told Dad.

“I would too,” Dad had said.

But it was so much cooler than it should’ve been that evening in late August that we didn’t need citronella candles or bug spray or any of that nonsense.  So we sat out there on the back porch and ate hot dogs as a family and heard the same stories we’d heard time and again until the stars shone through the inky sky hanging above our messy summertime heads.  And though Granddad had forgotten so much we all remember him and our last summer barbecue together when the mosquitoes couldn’t be bothered to attend.

rosa

The thing I’ll always remember about her is how she loved color—any color.  She spoke so softly and so seldom that so many people never knew that about her, but of all the electric things I knew in her that made her who she was, I remember her love of color more than anything else.  And no matter what happens I know she’ll be here among us, plain in our face with a brave smile and open heart, if we just take the time to look.

So pack light

It’s the only option we have left.  We have to leave, to run.  And we damn well better take advantage of this light while we’ve got it.  It’s a luxury we absolutely have to make the most of, because once that’s gone, the darkness is gonna be the least of our worries.

An open letter to Betsy DeVos from a public school parent

Mrs. DeVos:

I, and many other Americans, found your remarks and answers regarding the future of America’s schools alarming.  I understand that many of the questions posed to you by Senators such as Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders may be politically charged and slanted in at least a small way to further Democrat political agendas, but your answers and conduct made one thing abundantly clear: you are not fit to be our Secretary of Education.

I would especially like to make it clear to you how wrong you are on the topic of guns in our schools.  Guns have no place in our schools, and to argue that they may be needed “in case of grizzlies” is especially infuriating to my family.

My son is half grizzly.

I am married to a sweet, wonderful, and caring grizzly bear who works hard to provide for us, and our son attends public school every day where he gets excellent grades.  He doesn’t have many friends, but the ones he does have are very dear to our family.  He has endured bullying and ridicule since he was a cub because he is different—a difference that he had no choice in, mind you.  And for you to claim that he is a danger to his school simply because of his DNA is outrageous.  I’m just happy his father is in hibernation right now so he doesn’t have to see this.  President-Elect Trump has done so much to normalize hate towards people who are different, and your suggestion that my son—my sweet, loving son is dangerous and should be held off with a gun is yet another heartbreak added to the long list of tragedies perpetrated by small-minded, weak-hearted people.

Mrs. DeVos, you are unfit to serve our country as Secretary of Education, however, should you be confirmed, I assure you that I will not waver, nor will my family.  My son is a strong young man-bear with a beautiful heart.  He will go to school with his head held high in pursuit of his dreams, and his father and I will be right there with him to support him in any and every way we can.  Love always wins, Mrs. DeVos, and you’ll need something much stronger than guns to stop these Grizzlies.

Sincerely,

Sharon A. Hayes-Grizzly

Pointe North, Wyoming

I thought you’d look different

“I thought you’d look different,” I said.

“Different how?”

“I don’t know,” I said.  “Different.”

Silence.

“That’s all?” he asked.

“I can’t think of anything else, to be totally honest,” I answered.  The whole experience had me knocked back, and though I knew I should say something, needed to say something, I didn’t have a word.

“Okay,” he said, shrugging his shoulders and turning to face a particularly bright patch of stars.

Silence.

“Are you sure?” he finally asked.  “We don’t have much longer.”

“No?”

“No.”

We stood there for another moment or two before he sat down on a rock.  I joined him and we sat there together, just staring into the night sky.

“I guess I thought you’d be older,” I finally said.

“Everyone always does,” he answered, keeping his eyes pointed into the sky.

I smiled a little and nodded.  “I’m sure,” I said.

“But don’t worry,” he finally said, turning his eyes to me with a quiet smile.  “It doesn’t hurt.”

fearless

I’ve never liked that word, ‘fearless.’ Like, the absence of fear. I mean, maybe if you don’t have time to be scared you can be fearless. You jump on the grenade or push the little sister out of the way of the bus and it smacks into you instead faster than you can even think to know you’re supposed to be scared of dying, then yeah, I guess you’re fearless then. But for everything else, I don’t like that word.

We’re all scared of so many different things, and I think we’re conditioned to feel bad for that, but I disagree. It’s okay to be scared, I think. It’s okay to be terrified and occasionally shout “Zoinks!” and try your best to run away but you’re suspended in midair from your feet whirling around so fast, so you don’t really escape. It’s okay to have that sinking feeling in your gut when the teacher calls on you and you don’t know the answer, it really is, but what I feel isn’t okay is letting that fear rule you. Letting that fear paint the lenses of your world to distort how you live and work and love and make your way through life.

And I’m not talking about anxiety disorders or being afraid of heights. I’m talking about sitting back and allowing fear to change who we are inside because that’s more comfortable than standing up. I’m talking about allowing people to use hate to twist us against each other because “us against them” is a much simpler storyline to follow than come together. I’m talking about letting fear, one of the realest things in the human experience, come between us and destroy everything we have all worked so hard for.

And I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m not at all fearless, but I am brave.

So I’m going to stand on my shaking knees. And even if my hands tremble I’ll make fists if I need to. My voice will crack but I’ll speak, and I know my eyes are going to cry but goddamn it they’re going to be open.

I just hope I’m not alone.

parking lot sketch #9

God put a lot of yellow shit in that field.  Flowers and all, you know?  They were in there first before the grass and dirt and cell phone towers because yellow’s His favorite color I think.  That’s why the sun shines the way it shines, and that’s why God scattered all this yellow all over that field.

That’s His first thought, I think.  Color, you know?  How can we make this place nice to look at so it’ll get taken care of?  No one worries about shining up a lump of dog crap or tidying up the scrap heap, and He knows that.  He knew that before the barbed wire or water tower or the greasy smell that always hangs in the air back here, so that’s why He put all this yellow shit out there—a bright little reminder to try and keep things nice in the face of all the gray-brown progress (which doesn’t have to be a bad thing, you know).  We just have to remember to occasionally look out to the back corner of the parking lot and remind ourselves that the colors, the bright bright yellow that He seems to love so much, that’s what was here before anything else.

All Confucianism Power Rankings – Week 4

Confucius say… starting every line with “Confucius say” will get more racist and less funny each line, so let’s just stop it here and do a regular ranking.

1. Nick (Zeke for President) 3-1

Nick’s lowest score this year is 134.4.  That’s pretty goddamn terrifying. A bunch of byes could change that this week though.

2. Derek (Team Elpers) 2-2

A.J. Green the #1 Receiver after 4 weeks? Believable. DeMarco Murray the #1 RB after 4 weeks? Madness. And yet here we are. Just like last year Derek’s dominating the scoreboard (though not just yet the win column) with a RB most picked to be mediocre at best

3. Mahoney (Wubba Lubba Dub Dub – YOU LOSE) 3-1

Mahoney’s team is excelling at making no sense.  His best score came in his only loss. He has no top 20 RB and only one WR there. But here he is sitting pretty at 3-1. Will the course correct or will he keep winning ugly?

4. Laura (one and done) 2-2

Last week was her worst, but she’s already outgrown her team name. I’m not sure I would’ve picked any of Matt Forte, Isiah Crowell, or Devonta Freeman to be in the top 15 in RB points so far, but they’re all there. And I’m in last. I feel like those things are related.

5. Ryan King (Jameis Christ II | Faith + 1) 2-2

First of all, strong team name. The DeAngelo to Le’Veon swap went about as well as he could have hoped. This week could be rough though, injuries and byes aren’t doing Ryan any favors. He’s currently starting Orleans Darkwa, who i’m 68% sure is a Pokemon.

6. Boone (I’d like to Conk JC) 2-2

So what I’m saying is, my division sucks. Mostly because I’m in it. Now that we can’t just pick on each other (and mostly me) until week 12, things are going to get grim for the former amazing Al Swearengen references. (NSFW… like anything involving the name Al Swearengen)

7. Matt F (Dez for Gronk) 2-2

Look at Matt, biding his time before inexplicably winning 14 straight and farting in all our collective faces yet again. His current little mind game is trying to get me to trade away Gronk for Dez Bryant, who is of course now injured. The saddest part is even if I had Dez from the start I’d still be 0-4. So instead I’m going to keep starting Gronk for his 12 snaps a game until I drink myself to death. As for the people actually playing on his team, David Johnson has been amazing, especially while eviscerating my meager chances at a win last week.

8. Connie #1 (A Gronking to Remember) 3-1

The drop is real. I’m calling fraud on this Connie. Now that she doesn’t have other Connie and me to beat up on (and Boone to sneak by) things are looking way way way down. Her only standout players have been the Vikings Defense, which by their very nature as a defense are fluky as hell, and Cam Newton, who just got ruled out Monday. Good luck with that.

9. Chang (Gotta Catch Jamaal) 2-2

Once is a fluke, twice makes me a believer. After Julio Jones outscores my entire team this week I’ll probably move Chang up a little higher.

10. Stu (Ertz Donuts) 2-2

I actually made up the order for this list before Kerley put up 24.2 and Cam got ruled out. Knowing this I’d probably have him over the other Connie too.

11. Connie #2 (A Conking to Remember) 1-3

Well that Josh Gordon pickup is looking kinda silly now. The real question is can Tom Brady save this Connie’s season?  The other less important question is can Tom Brady save my season via actually throwing to Gronk. The answer is no. There is no saving me.

12. Me (The New Laura) 0-4

My last win came in week 10 of last season. That means my losing streak currently sits at 10. That basically means I’m the new Laura, who started her season, you guessed it, 0-10. The person I beat way back then? Stu. Just wanted to get that little jab in because it’s literally all I’ve got. I mean my first round draft pick is currently 69th at his position. Which is admittedly super appropriate for Gronk, but still completely insane. I didn’t even think there were 69 TE’s that have played this season. That’s more than 2 per team! And 68 of them are statistically better than Gronk.

 

Since apparently some of us can’t appreciate a super random Deadwood reference, and because you know… sexism and rape culture and all those other things I wasn’t super cognizant of when I was setting up this league way back when (it was a different time!), we now have one less division name and two fewer trophies. I’m open to suggestion for something a little less overtly awful, which still being appropriately demeaning. Because remember, I hate you all, but only in the fun way. The division is me,  both Connies, and Boone. The trophies are for biggest point differential in a single game, both winning by the most and losing by the most.

THE LAME CLUB is probably just going to be discontinued because you lame people (and you know who you are) are just hopeless and I’ve got other battles to fight like…

 

Please join the discord chat, it’s ever so much fun. And Stu please come back, we miss you.

All Plagiarism Power Rankings- Week 4

Matchups, schmatchups.

Week 2 certainly seemed to buck matchups expectations, at least as far as quarterback play was concerned, as Trevor Siemian beat the Cincinnati Bengalsin a road game, while Marcus Mariota struggled at home against the Oakland Raiders.

As we do each Sunday right here, we recap the week’s winners and losers from a fantasy perspective, complete with applicable game and historical data.

 

1.Connie #1 (A Gronking to Remember) 3-0

Ingram’s performance Monday marked his best of the season, as his 77 rushing yards nearly matched his total of 88 entering the game, and he found the end zone for the first time with a five-yard catch during the fourth quarter. Although the Saints were forced to abandon the running game pretty early, Ingram still managed to make an impact by averaging over five yards on the carries he was handed.

 

2. Ryan King (Jameis Christ 2 | Faith + 1) 2-1

The Chiefs D/ST scored 32 fantasy points in ESPN standard leagues last week thanks to eight forced turnovers — the most by any defense so far this season. We must also note, however, that this unit had just five total fantasy points over the first two weeks of the season and rank 31st in pressuring opposing passers on the season.

 

3. Laura (one and done) 2-1

Freeman enjoyed himself against a very suspect Saints defense, ripping off a career-long rush of 48 yards during the fourth quarter to cap a big Monday night performance. In compiling 207 all-purpose yards, Freeman led the Falcons in both rushing and receiving, and scored his first touchdown of the season with a 13-yard catch to start the second quarter.

 

4. Nick (Zeke for President) 2-1

Jameis Winston’s favorite target received another healthy dose of attention in the back-and-forth contest, seeing double-digit targets for the second straight week. The notable difference between Weeks 2 and 3 was Evans’ efficiency with those opportunities, as his 77 percent conversion rate Sunday far outshone the unsightly 33 percent success rate he tallied in the Week 2 blowout loss to the Cardinals. Evans has received a whopping 31 looks over the last two games, and his seven-yard touchdown with 2:15 remaining brought the Bucs to within 37-32. The 23-year-old has a score in each of Tampa’s first three games and is clearly the focal point of the Bucs’ air attack.

 

5. Boone (I Like a Good Conking) 2-1

Big plays propelled Jones to six catches for 205 yards and two touchdowns against Green Bay, and he is the clear No. 1 fantasy option in Detroit’s receiving corps right now. He has been targeted 29 times in three games, averaging a whopping 22.7 yards on his 18 receptions.

 

6. Derek (Team Elpers) 1-2

The Bengals didn’t give Anderson much room to work with on Sunday as the Broncos, instead, chose to air it out in the win. Anderson’s still clearly the top back, no other ball carrier coming within 10 carries of him, but it was telling that head coach Gary Kubiak chose to pass for two touchdowns inside the seven yard-line, Anderson’s typical stomping grounds, and run quarterback Trevor Siemian on an unsuccessful sweep on a two-point try.

 

7. Matt F (Nice Dak Air) 1-2

Lockett was listed as questionable entering the game. The Seahawks limited his snaps and took him off kickoff returns to protect his health, but the gameflow also contributed to use lack of targets, as the Seahawks capitalized on a number of big plays.

 

8. Mahoney (Wubba Lubba Dub Dub – YOU LOSE) 2-1

With starter Ryan Mathews going down early with an ankle injury, Sproles split the backfield workload with youngsters Wendell Smallwood and Kenjon Barner. All three found the end zone, with Sproles doing it through the air on a spectacular 73-yard catch-and-run.

 

9. Stu (Ertz Donuts) 1-2

Two of Fitzpatrick’s interceptions were tipped and picked off in the end zone, but it was still a disastrous outing, with five of the interceptions coming in the second half. Amazingly, the Jets had the ball down only two scores with about five minutes left in the game, but Fitzpatrick couldn’t get them into the end zone. He targeted Quincy Enunwa 11 times and Brandon Marshall 10, but neither caught more than four, and Bilal Powell led the team with 41 receiving yards.

 

 

10. Chang (Gotta Catch Jamaal) 1-2

Jones’ Falcons put up a whopping 45 points in Week 3, but the team’s best player hardly contributed toward that total. Despite facing an abysmal, undermanned Saints defense, Jones could only corral one of the seven passes thrown his way. His quiet night left Atlanta’s top-two running backs, Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman, to lead the passing attack, even though he paced the team in targets.

 

10. Connie #2 (A Conking to Remember) 1-2

Benjamin started the season with 13 catches for 199 yards and three touchdowns in two games but was essentially invisible Sunday against Minnesota’s impressive defense. Although quarterback Cam Newton was sacked eight times, the towering wideout still wasn’t targeted until the fourth quarter and also committed two penalties while blocking, including one that negated a 56-yard touchdown catch by Fozzy Whittaker.

 

12. Me (Oh, Hi Noon) 0-3

Gronkowski (hamstring) played sparingly in Thursday’s 27-0 victory over the Texans, failing to corral his only target.