Today’s Tomorrow

I am scared shitless of falling asleep, mostly because the sooner I fall asleep, the sooner tomorrow happens, and on every today, I question whether or not I want a tomorrow.

I’m also afraid of not waking up, but what’s scarier than the thought of not waking up is the thought that not waking up really wouldn’t be that bad.  Think about it.  No work, no rent, no traffic no bills no nothing.  Just enveloping, cool blackness, and an utter absence of feeling.

I am scared shitless of falling asleep, because when I’m asleep I’m safe from the realities of the world (for the most part), but the realities of my mind?  That’s different.  When I’m asleep, my dreaming mind points out every one of my flaws and failures, and paints them in neon paint on a huge fucking billboard over a huge fucking highway for everyone to see and laugh their huge fucking asses off on their way to wherever:

You’re too slow.

You’re too erratic.

You’re too emotional.

You’re too boring.

You’re too cliche.

You’re not good enough.

You’re not good enough.

You’re not good enough.

And when you wake up from all of this, your heart’s still trying to claw its way out of your chest, and your pillow is soaked in sweat and your eyes hurt like fucking christ and the numbers on your clock don’t make sense and you hear your alarm buzz buzz buzzing to the tune of YOU’RE A FAILURE, YOU’RE A FAILURE, YOU’RE A FAILURE and shit, man.  No wonder the thought of not waking up is so appealing if that’s what waking up is like.

But somehow, through some monumental feat of strength you turn off the alarm.  You grope around in the darkness and turn on the lights.  Suddenly, the numbers you couldn’t make sense of before spell out a time, and as you stumble to the bathroom your heart slows down and things start to make a tiny bit of sense.

Your momentum snowballs as you complete near impossible tasks like putting on a shirt and tying your shoes.  Soon, you’re in your car on your way to work, and though you know it’s going to be hard, for the first time that day, you feel like you maybe just maybe might be able to maybe survive, and that thought right there is what’s going to get you through the day.

I’m scared shitless of falling asleep, mostly because the sooner I fall asleep, the sooner tomorrow happens, and on every today, I question whether or not I want a tomorrow.

BUT, I made it through today, so maybe today’s tomorrow won’t be so bad.